Scribbles

Poetry/lyrics/what have you


You stand statuesque in heels in the warm pools of regret where escape is a term of the Gods. And if your red dress slipped to the ground they'd all know what was up. Inside next to the graceful lines of beauty and youth where conscious is for the future and experience the past. Reason is the way to walk on air where logic causes rain clouds and misery makes the stems of flowers break in to symphony.

When I tore the tears from fires all around the world you said I was a fool but I felt justified in excess. In excess of questionable art and poetry where doubt is the very cross in front of which I bow repeatedly.


Blergh. Crap.

I got baked tonight with my best friend and her boyfriend. I smoked out of a bong for the first time. I guess I like it. It definitely got me really high. When I smoked before it was from a pipe(first time a joint) and it certainly didn't get me so high. I was nervous to do it because I never had so I had Sarah's boyfriend Rick talk me through it. I took a huge fucking hit then sat there a minute and he went, "clear the chamber, clear the chamber! Keep inhaling!" but I couldn't so I exhaled then inhaled but still didn't clear it, so while I was coughing and walking to the kitchen for water he cleared it. Good times. He told me after when we were hanging out in the kitchen watching Sarah make us Ramen and pot stickers(mmmm), that he found it funny I was like, "I'm nervous, oh well I'll do it fully!" and just took a huge hit. I guess the way I took it reminded him of blow jobs or something because he said that he got that feel off me. That doesn't make sense but I'm not deleting it. So, that was fun. I've been wanting to get drunk and/or high for a while. I haven't for over a month and that's a long time for me. We(we being me and Sarah and possibly Rick) were supposed to get drunk this weekend but we forgot, so we're doing it next weekend. I haven't been drunk in so long. I miss it that feeling.

I've had a weird fucking couple of weeks. I've met three different guys that have done hard drugs and had crazy fucking lives. The first one is from SoCal and had an addiction to pain killers and went to rehab. It surprised me and I wasn't expecting. I said as much to him and he said, "Well it's never who you're expecting. It was mostly moms and business men in rehab with me." It just startled me I guess. I never thought about it.

The second one I met told me while we were cuddling at 4am(we just cuddled mind you) that he was a felon and tried and failed at building a drug cartel. He went on to inform me that he's done hard drugs and still does sometimes and is very sexual promiscuous. The stories and things he told me made me feel so weird and surreal. I never encountered anyone first hand that has done things like that. I've had friends who had family that were druggies, I've had family but not immediate that did drugs. It just made me feel so weird and unsettled inside for some reason.

The third guy is from Davis and is two years younger than me. He's done hard drugs and had lots of sex and is very sexual. He's been shot and stabbed and watched family members and friends die. It's a lot to take in.

I don't know what it is lately. I seem to be attracting bad boy types. Its making me feel like a fucking nun, quite frankly. I thought I was fairly sexually adventurous. I guess I am I just haven't had a lot of sex yet. I've had it less than ten times(and I'm talking full on intercourse not just oral) and 6 sexual partners. I've had two threesomes and done something I considering risque and fetish-like to a really submissive guy. But these three guys make me feel like a virgin.

I don't know what else to say right now. I need to let loose, get into some trouble, have some great sex with a virtual stranger(safely of course). I need to go on some mother fucking adventures. Go on day trips to S.F. with only enough money in my pocket to pay for gas. Just meet new people. Take pictures of everything. I need some dynamic back in my life. I'm so boring and cardboard these days, nothing interesting. I don't even go to the Asylum anymore. I don't know what the fuck happened to me, but I've gotta get some excitement back.

This is why she and I are best friends part 1

rubidiumdawn: i want to be reincarnated as Martha Stewart's next french bulldog
rubidiumdawn: that'd be the life
rubidiumdawn: evil people are always hella nice to their dogs
rubidiumdawn: Hitler, Martha Stewart, my former step mom


I love you, Sarah Jane.

Vain

I am of two minds as to why I started this blog. Part of me started it because I do enjoy writing and it has always been something very theraputic for me throughout my entire life. The other part though...secretly hopes people read this blog and find me somewhat fascinating in my infinit bore(boring-ness? Borality?). I also have a journal on livejournal.com and I read a girl's blog there who I find very interesting. She has many followers. She's one of those beautiful people who seems to have everything, including all the fucked up mental beliefs about themselves that seems to come when a person has looks and intelligence. Perhaps my being incredibly fat is a blessing in disguise(big ol' fatty disguise! hehe). Because I am certainly exceedingly intelligent and if I had both looks and intelligence I might go insane.

I am joking, btw. I do have confidence in my smarts so much so that I can recognize I am not exceedingly smart. I'm probably about average, perhaps ever slightly above. A boy messaged me on okcupid and it turns out he's a math genius. He speaks to me in riddles, or what I percieve as riddles because I have no fucking idea what the balls he's talking about usually. I told him the first night we spoke that he was too smart for me. He assured me that he was not and that I was very intelligent. I just felt stupider. Funny how that works.

Ugh, its 5:18am. I'm looking at different dog breeds because my best friend is up and she showed me the Boston Terrior as the next dog she wants. Its funny because my Grandpa was just advising me to get that breed when I get a dog. Yet another goal I want to achieve in the next year. I want to get an apartment with a friend, or roommate that I'm comfortable with and get a dog.

Okay, I'm sleepy.

Untitled, Old Song

Untitled 08/24/09

I'm thirsty for somethin like you
I need a swig to help make the proof
But if I took a drink of you
I don't think I'd make it through

If I made my soul take flight
If I set spirit alight
Could I take you easier?
Would you go down easier?

'Cause I'm thirsty for somethin' like you
I need a swig to help make the proof
But if I took a drink of you
I wouldn't taste any truth

And when I feel like shit
My friends would say
Take a little hair of the dog
And be on your way
But if I do that I'll get sicker and sicker
Because the sight of you makes my will flicker

If I made my soul take flight
If I set spirit alight
Could I take you easier?
Would you go down easier?

Whispers in a Frozen Ear

So, this is a new blog. I decided to set it up randomly after a friend of mine showed me his. I enjoy that this is specifically for blogging and nothing else. That pleases me.

As one might guess this blog will not be about any one thing in particular. I might often flit from one thought to the next and it quite possibly might not make any sort of sense to anyone(including myself). Hopefully there will be much humor, though I do often write when I am upset and sad, sarcasm, dry wit, perhaps nude pictures...what was I saying?

I enjoy writing though I get distracted before writing a lot so I don't often do it. This blog will hopefully make me write more often. Also, I'll try getting a life. That would help.