I got baked tonight with my best friend and her boyfriend. I smoked out of a bong for the first time. I guess I like it. It definitely got me really high. When I smoked before it was from a pipe(first time a joint) and it certainly didn't get me so high. I was nervous to do it because I never had so I had Sarah's boyfriend Rick talk me through it. I took a huge fucking hit then sat there a minute and he went, "clear the chamber, clear the chamber! Keep inhaling!" but I couldn't so I exhaled then inhaled but still didn't clear it, so while I was coughing and walking to the kitchen for water he cleared it. Good times. He told me after when we were hanging out in the kitchen watching Sarah make us Ramen and pot stickers(mmmm), that he found it funny I was like, "I'm nervous, oh well I'll do it fully!" and just took a huge hit. I guess the way I took it reminded him of blow jobs or something because he said that he got that feel off me. That doesn't make sense but I'm not deleting it. So, that was fun. I've been wanting to get drunk and/or high for a while. I haven't for over a month and that's a long time for me. We(we being me and Sarah and possibly Rick) were supposed to get drunk this weekend but we forgot, so we're doing it next weekend. I haven't been drunk in so long. I miss it that feeling.

I've had a weird fucking couple of weeks. I've met three different guys that have done hard drugs and had crazy fucking lives. The first one is from SoCal and had an addiction to pain killers and went to rehab. It surprised me and I wasn't expecting. I said as much to him and he said, "Well it's never who you're expecting. It was mostly moms and business men in rehab with me." It just startled me I guess. I never thought about it.

The second one I met told me while we were cuddling at 4am(we just cuddled mind you) that he was a felon and tried and failed at building a drug cartel. He went on to inform me that he's done hard drugs and still does sometimes and is very sexual promiscuous. The stories and things he told me made me feel so weird and surreal. I never encountered anyone first hand that has done things like that. I've had friends who had family that were druggies, I've had family but not immediate that did drugs. It just made me feel so weird and unsettled inside for some reason.

The third guy is from Davis and is two years younger than me. He's done hard drugs and had lots of sex and is very sexual. He's been shot and stabbed and watched family members and friends die. It's a lot to take in.

I don't know what it is lately. I seem to be attracting bad boy types. Its making me feel like a fucking nun, quite frankly. I thought I was fairly sexually adventurous. I guess I am I just haven't had a lot of sex yet. I've had it less than ten times(and I'm talking full on intercourse not just oral) and 6 sexual partners. I've had two threesomes and done something I considering risque and fetish-like to a really submissive guy. But these three guys make me feel like a virgin.

I don't know what else to say right now. I need to let loose, get into some trouble, have some great sex with a virtual stranger(safely of course). I need to go on some mother fucking adventures. Go on day trips to S.F. with only enough money in my pocket to pay for gas. Just meet new people. Take pictures of everything. I need some dynamic back in my life. I'm so boring and cardboard these days, nothing interesting. I don't even go to the Asylum anymore. I don't know what the fuck happened to me, but I've gotta get some excitement back.